Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
soo... how was my night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
