Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
