we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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