Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
