Plan B is the new Plan A
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
