you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
