I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
