I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
