i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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