just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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