just tell him i said nine months
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You made out with two different species that night
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
