last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
