Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
