I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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