I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
