i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
