So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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