what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
FUCK WHALES
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
