Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
