I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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