she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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