we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
