Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
