I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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