you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
