Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
