Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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