i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize