I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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