After last night, I could never be a politician.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
