respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
