I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
