so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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