Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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