Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize