I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
