My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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