You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
