The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
