May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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