i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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