I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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