glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize