I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
