she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
