I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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