How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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