cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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