I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
