Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
