Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
