The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
