Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
