she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
