her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Someone shit on the floor
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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