I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
