first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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