I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
send nudes
from the living room?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
