that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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