I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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